Afraid Of Losing You
by Tranquilozination
Summary: BASED ON EPISODE 1x15 CALLED "SOLITUDE". In this episode, Alex reveals who is in fact responsible for Astra's death. Her heart aches from feeling guilty and afraid, but she knows it is the right thing. Even though it might lead to losing her little sister. Here is my interpretation of that scene. [Disclaimer: I do not own Supergirl, nor its plot or its characters.]
_**Author's note:** I have taken one scene from episode 1x15 called "Solitude", so if you haven't seen that one yet, go see it first and then read this fanfiction :P. I thought it was a really powerful scene – with absolutely great acting from Chyler Leigh, who plays Alex Danvers in the series. So, in tribute of her, I have written this one-shot. I hope you like it!_

 _Oh, this is my first fanfiction for Supergirl, but hopefully not my last. I've been thinking about doing another story on Maxwell Lord and/or Alex Danvers, because these two are my favorite characters on the show. If any of you have ideas that you would like to see written out, please let me know. (Also: if you're looking for another one-shot about Alex, you should totally check out "How It Works" by HerRenegadeHeart. I liked that one a lot.)_

 _Anyway, without further ado, here is my interpretation of Alex in the scene where she is telling *spoilers* who is in fact responsible for Astra's death._

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 **Afraid Of Losing You**

* * *

Alex had wanted to tell her so many times, not just that, she had also tried to several times, but there was always one more incident that had to be taken care of. One more person that needed to be saved. One more bad guy that needed to be stopped.

At least, that was what Alex told herself. Deep down she knew that the reason she hadn't told her yet was not simply because of the timing. She knew that her mouth was treacherous in not letting the words leave her lips because of only one reason. She did not want to lose Kara.

If she did, she would also lose her most important goal in life. The role Alex had gradually taken on when she came to realize that the bond between Kara and her was stronger than what most sisters had, even when sharing the same father and mother. It had been the moment she knew that Kara was not just her adopted sister, but way more than that. Even though they weren't related by blood, they definitely were bonded by their hearts.

It had made Alex into the protector she was now. She would do everything to protect Kara, not just her body but also her soul, at all costs.

Even when it meant taking someone else's life to save her sister's.

Whereas Alex used to console the young girl who was afraid of the popcorn maker, nowadays the dangers presented themselves more than often in the form of life and death. Morrow's or Kara's life? That was an easy choice, well, as easy as deciding to take someone's life could be. Of course she would save Kara. But what about Astra's or Hank's life? It had resulted in the death of Kara's aunt.

Hank had taken the blame when Kara arrived just in time to say goodbye to Astra. Alex had wanted to correct him, but she saw Kara's icy behavior towards Hank. She saw the resentment in Kara's eyes, accompanied by the pain and the loss of one of her few remaining family members. She knew Kara resented Astra's killer for taking away the possibility of persuading her aunt to be working with her, not against her.

But it wasn't fair. Not to Hank, not to Kara, not to herself.

Alex would no longer lie to Kara.

"I saw Astra standing over J'onn," she finally said, having mustered up enough courage.

Kara turned towards her older sister. "What?"

"Alex," was the warning that came from Hank's mouth.

She shook her head slightly, not defiantly but with a heavy heart. "He was defenseless. She said she was gonna give him...," her voice cracked, "... an honorable death. And I reacted. Because that's what I was taught to do."

It felt like there was an iron grip on her heart – and it increased in pressure when Kara turned her back towards Alex. This normally dull pain on the inside, the pain of taking a life, had grown substantially when it was combined with her fear of losing Kara. But she couldn't stop now. Kara had to know.

Alex sucked in a shakily breath. "Hank didn't kill Astra. I did."

She hadn't realized it before, but she blamed herself more than Kara had blamed Hank. The blame on herself had taken its toll. It had worn her down, more than she was willing to admit.

"I did," she repeated softly, hearing how mentally unstable her voice sounded. She inhaled yet again in an attempt to get it together, but failed. It was freaking her out that she couldn't see how Kara was taking it. "And when you got there, he saw how devastated you were. He didn't want you to get angry – "

Finally, her sister turned around and their eyes locked.

" – with me. He took the blame. And I let him."

Whereas the creases in Alex's face told of her guilt and regret, she couldn't read Kara's facial expression and felt that same fear flare up again. Knowing that her fear might become reality now, she felt herself slowly break down, while her resistances of giving into it were starting to falter.

"Because I was afraid of losing you," Alex looked at Kara with tears in her eyes. It was as if the iron grip was now not only on her heart, but on her throat as well, causing her voice to choke up even more. "And I can't lose you."

Her smothered sobs resonated through the room when Kara started to leave the room, but she stopped when she was walking past Alex. There she was, standing right next to her, no more than two inches away, yet it felt like she was so far away.

This was it, Alex thought. She had lost her little sister. Her breathing sounded ragged while she stared down at the ground, not seeing a thing through the teary haze over her eyes. She had screwed it up and lost her sister. Forever.

But then she felt Kara's arms around her - and grabbed onto her as if it were her last resort.

Relief broke through Alex's last remaining resistance as she gave in to her tears, crying harder than she could ever remember. Those were tears of sadness, regret and guilt, mixed with softening relief and happiness. For Kara had forgiven her. Now she could try to forgive herself.


End file.
